Tags: lynx

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Very Valentino

Knightmare S8 LinghormKnightmare S8 LinghormThis week has felt very much about expression. It's been refreshing to have some totally free time: to look forward to the day ahead, because I don't have to achieve anything. There are a few loose tasks to keep me vaguely focused; and I'm cherishing time with my family, given how little of it there seems to be these days. I was watching Knightmare Series 8 with my little sister for most of last night, and for once, she was hooked - and within my own fascination of the show, it's a constant intrigue to me as to whether the deeper qualities of K.M. can still entertain the age-group for which it was initially intended now in the 21st Century. It looks graphically rich, even through today's standards: I may be biased, but really like the colour schemes, especially the blue and gold within Level 3. I still feel that something of that calibre could stand ground these days. It's a refreshing change to be thinking about feelings again and feeling the spectrum ~ for weeks, it's been a case of just accepting that I was really enjoying myself in my work and having a good time: but the job and different commitments have been very consuming, and I couldn't look into myself the way I like to sometimes.

I took a little inspiration from aristophains to think about music, particularly relation to that Lynx connection. The links I've found encompass some of my musical favourites astonishingly well. Phoenix is attributed to Alphaville's (what I think of as 'game-show' theme), 'Fantastic Dream'; Apollo inventively to AvE's wonderful track from the Prositute album; Atlantis to Modern Talking's 'Atlantis is Calling'; Gravity to Enigma's 'Gravity of Love'; Pulse to Pink Floyd's live album; Touch I'll attribute to A-Ha, for the opening and chorus words to 'The Sun Always Shines on TV; Unlimited to Singers Unlimited, who produced a version of 'Both Sides Now', one of my favourite songs, although I prefer the version by Paul Young and Clannad. Nevertheless, this song bares further relevance, since quoting from it also encouraged reflection, and I was informed that Neil Diamond, my gran's favourite singer, also did a cover version. Have since learnt that Hayley Westenra, who I like listening to, has also produced a cover. Finally, my favourite, Africa ~ Toto's 'Africa' is the obvious choice, and a wonderful song, but I'm more drawn to Enya's 'Storms in Africa' ~ and so poignant how both connect water with a climate of drought. Looking at my music collection today, I'm intrigued by how much branches off from a few key musical influences.

Also have been trying to relate to some critical thinking. I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory not so long ago, and could find an interesting compare & contrast with the original film. Alongside that, pleasantly surprised to find some interesting critical reading online, a review of Alphaville's music video of Big in Japan ~ which I remember showing to aristophains and pookatimes at Alstonefield to see what they thought. Not all music videos are to my taste, but I'm always interested because of the connection of art forms. My main focus, especially from the NAGTY workshop efforts, has been to correlate writing with other art forms: but this connection music to film / visual art can be very fetching in its own way. Amongst others, I've got music videos from Alphaville, Erasure, Aled, Pet Shop Boys and Enya ~ without a doubt, the Enya videos are the most sensual to watch, especially seeing the 'making of' documentaries of Carribbean Blue and Only Time. I think that's because the type of music demands a special type of mystical context, full of rich and sensual images. However, Big in Japan strikes a chord with me, thinking to the political nightmares encompassing the world in the early 1980s, and the video is of dischord, obscurity and emptiness. It's a shame to think it as much a pleasure to see a piece of writing by an non-AvE fan that isn't derogatory as to appreciate quality of the writing itself: but that vid was a proud way to start, and I'm really proud of where AvE stand today.

There's also personal expression, and life behind closed doors. I'm just always learning, life lessons in particular, and am pleased that continues to happen. There have been times this year when personal development has felt more of subterfuge than anything else. I'm just wanting to stop worrying: there's not long of the summer left. Dilemma of wanting to make up for lost time while just wanting to rest. Guess it's just taking each day as it comes. It's great to be writing once again.
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Unlimited

Admist the rigours of arriving home, I went for some therapy of sorts. I needed some more deodorant, and spotted a new fragrance, Unlimited, which I'd neither seen or tried before. This got me thinking back, as new lines do, to that difficult time in Autumn 2003, when the 'spontaneous overflow of powerful feeling' prompted me to label days after the fragrances, as seen in Lynx 1 and 2. Why not continue the trend?


I'm quite surprised that I've held to that so seriously. It's all well attaching pictures and diagrams to thoughts; but I remember attaching characteristics and feelings to each fragrance, and for a long time, I've tended to make a conscious choice where I can of which scent to use each day either based on how I'm feeling, or, as often is appropriate, how I'd like to feel. Consequently, the two most frequently used are Africa and Phoenix: the former for it's sweet, romantic smell and association with being quite soft and mellow; the latter for it's rich and sharp tint, association with blue, and rising up where I'd like to be from a state below. Of course, there are plenty others which often suit a particular day or time perfectly, but this are the main players. It's all very strange, but that's me in one. There are considerably noticeable connotations behind it. Before I came home last (end of May), I was beginning to run shy of deodorant in Bristol, or, should I say, shy of choice. All I was left with were really old bottles of Gravity which I use as infrequently as I can. That said, May happened to be the single, secular month where Gravity could not have been more appropriate. It was with pleasure that, around other special happenings, I could take back with me some Africa to mark the start of a mellow recovery. I have ignored one fragrance that I've used but never thought about ~ but I'm sure there will be a future time for Touch. I haven't yet tried Unlimited; want to leave it a total mystery so I can build a sense for what a want this scent to mean. I've taken inspiration from a lot of sources, and so I open my mind once again.


AfricaIt's been a near final goodbye to Wills Hall after 2 long and delightful years. I associate the place with a mixture of good and painful times, but altogether, it's been amazing, and so happy that I was meant to stay another year. It was hard seeing Wills empty yet again: it seems I'm always the one who sees that happen. I go through almost all the goodbye ceremonies without just a single one of my own. It's a different feeling to last summer by far: I knew I'd have the chance to come home, that I'd be returning to live with close friends, I knew it wasn't going to be the long weeks of loneliness at Wills alone that last year's teaching placement brought. Even though hard work remained, it has been lovely to feel the summer calling, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to have a refreshing break from a short, but battering term (including Pentad). The Ball was amazing: and although a tad disappointed, I can't help but be massively proud that even with another popular brewery on-site, the bar still made a huge increase on last year's take. The last week has been, surprisingly, harder work than most, but the most rewarding since Freshers' Week ~ it's been superb to go out on a high.


Phoenix


UnlimitedAll good mood in the final week of term by various work issues. A rare bar meeting was called, and some changes implemented which will give the next manager much more flexibility to make decisions when required and not waiting for committee approval: liberty I'm a little jealous of, but it's acknowledged I didn't have it, and in place now. More importantly from my side, the bar has taken significantly more this summer term than the summer term last year, which might suggest that we could break even for this academic year, which I'd see as an amazing achievement. It's great to feel like all the hard work has finally paid off, and somewhat successful. My final hospital shift was also wonderful: I got to work with a girl on some GCSE English coursework (Dickens). By the end, she knew how to identify setting, character, mood, voice and tone: smashing. The staff presented me with a a beautiful book of the History of Bristol as a send off. I know that Friday mornings became the wrong time, and the responsibility they gave me started making me far more nervous about turning up, but, wow - I loved the job and the people, and have offered to pop back and help out next year independent of the University's scheme. With the bar, I never cared about the money; it only makes you feel pressure to achieve, but it's more about approaching with the right mindset.


Phoenix NightsHere comes the stage which would need the tightest editing: I began writing this on Thursday, not long after Andy Murray's incredible victory over 14th seed Radek Stepanek. Collapse )
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Lynx (2)

Wednesday:
Atlantis (- Shipwreck before the calm) Wednesday was always going to be a strange day; with - what one might call the 'after-effects'. It wasn't too comfortable a day. Felt quite at ease on Tuesday night at least, but awake for too long, running on some evil hormone or something that decided to run out at some hour in the morning. Slumped to my bed, had little sleep, then woke up not wholly dissimilar to yesterday. Knew just from thinking about going to either the dining hall for breakfast, or even worse, that lecture theatre that put the fear of my life into me on Monday - I wouldn't be going too far. Again, tried to settle down to a little work, but found the best I could do was listen to music quite loudly to block everything else out, watch some Knightmare (which is a remedy) and keep warm. Once more, let the English department know I wouldn't be in, and got no word back, which was a bit disconcerting. Toby came in at lunchtime, which was really great of him, and he was watching along a bit of KM. I can't help feeling I bore the hell out of people generally, but was concentrating on not freaking out, and KM helps me not to. I realise that's a bit of a paradox, the programme out to frighten, and serving to soothe; but I put my faith in Toby a little bit later on. And so, a little later, Simon pops in - it turns out similar to yesterday in how the structure went. I missed the football, and Simon had gone along to play, which was great! The best part was, that from a 1-10 defeat last week, we had beaten a better team this; 4-3! Wow. All Simon's doing, I swear; although when he was standing there, I couldn't help but think back to the second weekend, when we were playing on the orchard, and I, attempting a crossfield pass, nearly took his face off; that was dispicable of me. Knew I had to really go for it tonight, and went to the dining hall for supper; let Toby be the first man to stand behind me, and, being the terrifically lovable chap he is, said he was honoured by the trust. Food fights and all (sighs @ Simon; [all for the assonance; thought it was funny, bud!]). Ed popped by late on to write a letter for the Zoo, and just have a chat about general things. Ed always has a running concern about me, which is smashing; and just has a practical way of looking about things, which is so needed sometimes! I picked up my second piece of verse by one special author. One thought one should seclude oneself forever to keep this terribly special dedication going. I knew Thursday had to be as normal as I could make it - but still found sleeping hard. I was wandering about late on, and Simon was also; and joined Emily in invitation for cuppa and added some choc. digestives. :) I knew it was cleaning day tomorrow, and made sure the room was spotless, as I like to on these occasions, but maybe I just needed to break out of this place to feel back together again.

Thursday:
Phoenix ( -Resurrection) The balance was sweet today; single lecture latish in the afternoon. Was re-awoken by the cleaner this morning. I had been up and dressed, but dozed off again, which I possibly needed. Was still only 10:00 though, so popped up for a shower. The showers had caused a lot of shivering in thoughts - me for some reason seeing it as the perfect place for anything bad to happen, and so was sort of relieved to be feeling up to have a good drench. Soft singing helps to dispel, even sort of melt, any little concerns away. And, as everyone knows, nothing happened - it was all very safe. Still struggling to work, as I found by trying to learn some Latin grammar. Programming into the head is possible, i.e. learning words going down a list; but picking them at random or anything out of the sequence was just impossible, and it is frustrating. The weather was gloomy today, which is a shame - it has been truly beautiful for weeks; and it's been all the more saddening in a way that this gorgeous weather has made this place a paradise in the background, but, as the sonnet perhaps sums up, I haven't appreciated the beauty for all the right reasons. Anyhow, got down to the lecture theatre for the grammar class - the last Thursday one too! However, things started to slide downhill; for firstly I found a note in the classics pigeonhole for me, which was a pronouns sheet, half of which was to be learnt for today's lecture ~ that gave me 10mins, and more panics since I was still poor on the original material. Missing one test already on the Tuesday, I returned to a bigger one. To start the lecture, a few of us had some reprimanding, including myself, which just filled me with sheer dread. I got a little bit angry about it afterwards, but at least Dandi retracted his words. Firstly, 4 people had been absent on Tuesday, and only *one* had let the office know. I agreed with what he said; that it was compulsory, and only good manners, to inform staff of your absence - but I did that; and was upset that despite the guy knew that a KaM (i.e. virum) had contacted, and of the four absentees he was ticking off, I was the only guy, he should have known that the exception to his rant was me. He then, at the end of that, called my name and asked if I was here ~ and then realised. He just doesn't know who I am, although asked me to stay behind at the end, so the note he was left about me for Tuesday might have caused some concerns. Yet, before that, he started on something else. He wanted to know if we'd done the work he left for us. Now, one girl had apparently, and said she'd left it behind - which might have been slap down lies, because we discovered something a minute later. We'd all got the pronoun sheets, but he was adamant that we should get down to Woodland Road 'as soon as you are back circulating again'. I was trying to slip in somewhere that this lecture was my first back 'in circulation', but it was pointless. Then, he was humbled by his own let-down. He was supposed to have left Tuesday's test in the holes for us for us to do, but then thought back, and just clicked as to why he didn't - he couldn't be arsed to copy it down from the blackboard. I don't mind - just don't scare me with reprimands before thinking about them! The test he gave us today daunted me; all since the nouns have, because I've known I would struggle, but did my bad trick of flicking for ones that I know, and familiarising myself with the patterns in my head. Half-marks, it's looking like. I spoke to him in the end, and cleared the matters up. He means well - and just mentionned that learning had been tough ~ hoping it would serve as an apology for crap performance. Got a shock at the end; 17:00 - and pitch black! Scuttling back nervously, and through some fate, bumped into Simon, and then later into Sam and Toby, wow! The nerves settled down again. Grease rehearsal again tonight; which was with varying success. Need to get back into musical mind; seem to have forgotten all theory which could be of any use. I then also realised that I had some duets! I'd looked for 'Putzie' on the name sheets - and it wasn't there - but that's because on this script we have, he's called Roger, which gives me two! One with Jan (real identity I don't know), called 'Mooning', which is a oxymoronic concept; a soft ballad about the crudity that is flashing one's rear end; and one with my good buddy Simon, 'Rock & Roll Party Queen' which is cracking, and addictive. Still, got me in a better mood, and had to tick along with lots of Latin tonight to keep up. Still, Simon has invited me up to watch a film, Taxi-Driver, which they were supposed to watch on the Sat. night while Dave was here, but didn't; and didn't again. They were on the PSX2, playing Fifa, with the guy that got me freaked a few weeks ago by insisting we walked over the downs in the pitch black, even though he confessed himself that he was scared. Anyhow, got my revenge by playing him and whipping him 7-2. Tried to get Dumb&Dumber to operate on Simon's comp; and although the codec was working, the film still wasn't playing. Don't think the specs are up to it, unfortunately. Back down, to Latin, and thinking over a very lifting chat I'd had with Forester. I know he must have had such a hard time wondering about me within my silences; and am mightily grateful for the space I was given. Performed a great, great favour by getting some songs for me ~ am so grateful!! He also sent me a very touching text message, which left me flattered, complimented, enriched. Power of expression was coming back gradually, or was trying my best anyhow. It got me 5 hours of sleep, albeit with the new found help of Valerium tablets, which I'd been recommended by a very kind soul on the Knightmare Forum. Ok, it wasn't necessarily long, but it was a refreshing sleep, and felt much, much better for it! Thursday saw it's cremations, but plenty of resurrections.

Friday:
Apollo ( -Risen) Felt so much better for the sleep, and went to the dining hall for an early bite today, for what feels the first time in an age; since Monday. Had prepared the Latin for the lecture, and Dr Broadhead was very kind, asking how I was getting along. However, learnt the scope of Tuesday's assessment, looking at the test they'd been given on Tuesday, and realising that was the easy half. I'm going to need a miracle. Still: got through it, and then decided to get some stuff done. So: into Waterstones to enquire - still no vocab books; into the library to drop books off; off down into Broadmead and The Galleries to look at the formalwear (must return with sizes and colours needed); nipped into Nationwide to sort out a query that I knew they wouldn't take over telephone; and then to NatWest to open my student account (bonuses!!). There was a shock when I came back: our group block tutor, Davey, was looking for me. The warden of the halls here had been contacted about my absences from lectures, and he, in turn, not knowing who I am, must have seen my room number, and asked Davey to find out what was up. I was really panicky about this at first: thinking that for all that I was pretty unique in never having any disciplinary problems at all, to fall into them here for attendances within the first month, was unthinkable. I couldn't understand it - but went up to the guy's room for a drink and talk about stuff. I mentionned that I'd kept getting in touch, and that the Latin side knew at least that I would find this week awkward, but English was relying on the e-mails, which had been acknowleged; and was relieving myself of nerves a little by explaining that I'd kept copies of the e-mails should any disciplinary cases come to that. Davey helped though, he assuring that it wouldn't be about that at all, just making sure, for instance, that I was happy with the course, and not avoiding because I couldn't cope with the work or anything other than. I had to explain back that I still see the majority of instances like secondary school: everyone is out to lie, cheat and swindle their way around everything; and therefore staff will assume everyone to lie, cheat and swindle, and that's why I didn't actually ring the English office to ensure my absences were covered - I didn't want to be interrogated about what was wrong and how I was handling it; I wanted to be in control of how much information I gave and what I said. Just reassured to myself that I was happy here, and indeed, very lucky to be here, and could cope with the work while working at my optimum. At the same time, {C.F. Beginning Lynx 1} - realised I had a problem which needed combatting, and realised the significance to me of giving up the diary writing for a while - that I do tend to seek the route of problems; to ask myself the clinical questions; and then know what's best to solve. Here, I couldn't do that - I'm afraid that this is something too big for me to handle on my own. Anyway, leaving that by for the moment - because there's a happier night ahead: was really looking forward to the formal tonight; given that I've only been to one since arriving. Owed it to Toby, for having been signed up by him, and borrowing a jacket from him, I was actually able to go! With my navy shirt, cuff-links, grey suit and gown, I can't remember that I'd ever looked so smart. Well, it was very entertaining: for Ed and Simon had been working on their - costume - for Halloween, and even come down for a digital photo of it; Ed's twig-and-leaf-spooked sunglasses; and Simon's 'Monkey-Island-I-Cannibal-Reminiscent' pumpkin head! The moment was perfect, as Tarkers stood up to give a speech at how we weren't respecting the formal properly, and they both arrived in wearing, and rendered him speechless - and had to, for everyone's attention was drawn from , and I doubt he's used to that. The situation was then intensified as they both donned their pieces for the warden and guests entering and for grace. Half couldn't keep their faces straight, including Donald himself, walking right past us, and none of us could either.. although rather unkindly in cripples that one of the Senior staff demanded to see Simon afterwards. The prayer was full of coughs and sniggers, and it was hard at the end of the table and under pressure not to be seen smiling. Still, was great fun, with photgraphs and all. There was little throwing of food, but still millions of invented banning offences; none less so than the 'Pudding Master' competition; Simon and Doug in a race, scoffing down their cheesecake desert without using hands or cutlery. Dear me! Take your feet out of the trough! (Grinz: Sorry, it's what my grandfather will say about my attrotious burping habit - but I find it funny). Everybody headed out afterwards, and was a little sad that I didn't end up joining. I promised I'd be doing work, but was as concerned with getting these posts up, and talking with Forester, which always makes up for it. And I was reassured later on, because I'd received an e-mail from the English Department, explaining that the secretary I'd been e-mailing hadn't been in since Monday, and so the messages had not been received. It was probably their reaction to e-mail the halls and made sure all was well because it had been a few days since my initial apologies. They did tell me not to worry though, and that apologies were accepted. Feel alive and awake today; and definitely nervous about work to catch up and tests ahead, but stronger now; and much happier for this episode being over.

But I shall rise from the ashes,
Grow like a rose ~ From the ruins.
There must be light in the darkness,
Hope at the end of the night.
Now I've been trying all my life, to get to heaven,
But I woke in the eye of the storm;
And I shall rise from the ashes,
Grow from the ruins
And return ~ back ~ home.
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Lynx (1)

Hello all. Am waiting patiently for people to leap in mild surprise at my posting - maybe through excitement at something of mine, which would be a nice thought, as I'm always excited reading other people's posts; or maybe the fact that after keeping quite tight to my weekly totalling ideas for a fair while, everything has vanished. The problem has appeared in two ways. Firstly, I've today admitted to myself and my block tutor that I've had troubles thinking about what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling; and secondly, that the pattern does switch - When I first started my journal, I used to structure posts in here, and a lot of the content of my personal diary would be based on, and thrive on the adrenalin of, those. Then, about 6 weeks in, and while I started here, I found that the balance had switched: that the basis of my writings would appear in the personal diary and then be expanded here. It would have to start somewhere! At the moment, it's been undecided for a while, and that's left to no posting at all really - just lots of promising that I'd catch up, which will be difficult. Catching up with the Uni work I've missed will be tough in itself. Saying that, things are looking up.

I do think that the lack of writing in my personal diary has been due to a fear of several things. Scared to admit what I'm thinking - scared to admit to having a serious problem? I have tackled many confusings in this way this year, and found it very rewarding, but just could not here. I honestly think if I'd tried to lay out my mind's content on paper, it possibly might have helped, but at the same time, stated more clearly to me that things were terrible. I was trying ardently, much of the time failing, but nevertheless trying to evade that, and pretend everything was normal. I know that's not clever, but when something happens 4 years ago, it starts to become a serious embarrassment that it still - not just afflicts, but harder this year than before. The sonnet was very different, the majority composed in my head walking from one side of the Clifton Downs to the other amidst the setting Sun, and was just a very sombre release. Still, I will try and bare as much as I dare publically, and just cover the ground so anyone who knows what was going on is filled in a little, and those that don't just get some of the cryptics out of the way. I will start from this weekend (hopefully) back to the old system and get back into a more regular update - for my own sake.

The title refers to the particular can of Lynx which is first in the line on my shelf here. The relevance: it was looking at these, and just thinking of the fragnance names which gave me thoughts on how I could title each day of these week, and that little bit of creativity, along with the great, colourful signs of 'Crea8tive Bristol' all over the centre, inspired me to start this post.

Weekend:
Africa (- distant) The weekend with Dave was great, and very much needed. Lot hurting there for the both of us. We're also both as Knightmare mad as each other, which helps a little bit. Friday, we just scraped back for dinner, although it was a little hectic, and then Dave unfortunately had to prop up the bar while I served behind it, messing most things up as usual, and all the guys at the formal. Eventually he nipped back to my room, and managed to get KM up without a problem, which was very good, must say. Watched plenty, had a bit of a talk: both holding back a fair bit, but I think it was expected to be that way. Saturday is a good day at Wills'; very relaxed and the opportunity for a good lie in because feeding time ends. We headed into town and did some shopping, which was great therapy actually. Got two new shirts, and we tried to plan 'New Dave' out together, resulting in a rather cracking fire-colours shirt for him. We had been invited to join in with a group heading out for eats later in the evening, which was grand. Slight problem was the rather loud and brash Mexican restaurant. Food was quite good; service was poor, and it was an expensive, fixed menu. Still, tis rare this comes about. Back late, and we ended up declining the offer to watch a film or chat or whatever in Simon's room later on - but watched some more of KM; shattered, the two of us. At least I got some sleep with Dave around, which was well needed. Sunday was quite sombre; Dave realising his time back here was drawing to a close, although his mind was occupied trying to drum up ways for me to contact him in Germany this week, should I need to. Selfish way of looking at it; but while thinking about me took his mind off other problems of his, was happy enough for him to do so. Sunday lunch was ok, and then it wasn't long before we were off, heading for the coach station. We got there early, and there was some kind of issue with the coaches; one going direct and one stopping all the way. The direct one had to be processed and away first to Nottingham, I think - and so we were hanging on a little bit ~ wasn't leaving though - not until that coach was out of sight. God, felt very alone then; very distant - like I was all on my own in a field of strangers. I just think that with the only single room in the block, sometimes it feels like a signal of some sort, that you aren't close enough friends with anyone to earn sharing. I should dispute that, in that in the room next to me, the two guys didn't know each other, see little of each other, and doubt they get along either. Dave seemed to get along with the guys well, which is always a good reflection on yourself, so was really chuffed in a sense. Walked back quite slowly; sad. Weather was typically beautiful - and noted the gorgeous red sun, so much so that I composed the sonnet in my head across the downs. Grease rehearsal on Sunday night; was quick and easy enough. Happy to get the chance to work, and couldn't. Knew it was starting, and knew that for all the great weekend, the following low I'd expected was hitting. Prayed for sleep, and took a while to take me.

Monday:
Pulse (- the clock) Felt it ticking..ticking..ticking. Slumped to English, feeling rather guilty and terrible. As many times as I'd tried, reading was just impossible, and so my preparations for the day were lacking. Was just sitting there in the lecture.. and kept glancing behind me; and even though they were girls, still got over-edgy. And, all about the sonnet too, just kept daydreaming...and daydreaming...and ~~ flash! Just like horror films - short, sharp, shocking sequences hitting me like a wave. Shuddered being surrounded as I left the lecture theatre, and knew I just had to get back, and wouldn't make the tutorial. Left a message of apology with another seminar member and just got the hell back here. I did mean to get in touch with the office to inform; but had locked my flipping self out, hadn't I!? Seminar had started by the time I got into my room. Tried to settle and be calm; did some copying up, fretting at the thought of my poetry tutor wanting to hang me from his door coat hook for absence. Went to dinner later on and apparently kept making scary remarks. Was sitting with folk I didn't know too well - they were saying something about if randomness was symptom of meningitis then I had it for sure ~ I don't know! Eventually Simon comes and rescues me, and invites me to their table, which part of me wanted to avoid, for fear of everyone seeing the pitiful state beginning. Eventually couldn't take the atmosphere anymore and legged it away to hide. We had to go and take meningitis pills, with a couple of people in the Uni contracting it, and thankfully I managed to hold it together for that at least. Toby came in later, and pleased for the company - and then Ed came in as well, and just takes a bit of tension away... and I put up my sonnet just after midnight.

Tuesday:
Gravity (- Gravis) I can't understand why this is a day which has a significance of and a build up more noticeable than Christmas or my birthday for me; it sickens to the core. Well, the early hours of the morning were trying to trance myself into this mode that all could be ok, and that I didn't have to leave the room; I could be self sufficient if I wanted. I e-mailed my Latin teacher at 5am, to explain that I knew I was going to be absent. Then I made the mistake of sleeping. All of two hours, and it was enough to have me wake up and notice that today was the day, and that I had to subconsciously slip into the totally freaked out state of mind. God, that I did. Did have a big surprise on my hands though, for there was a knock on the door; and I wasn't going to answer - I had locked it.. I normally leave my door open all the time I'm in here. Yet, I found out that it was Lucy, and that changed things a little bit. I don't have quite the fear of girls as I do of men at this time of year. It brought my mind back quickly to last week when we had had a natter, and some of this mess must have came out, and it wasn't lost. Lucy was the world's biggest star this morning. I remember just standing at my door a total wreck, and quivering at the thought of anyone else coming close. Well, she firstly seemed to make sure the coast was clear for me to go to the bathroom - and it's awful just lurching for a target - like that's the hovel for safety. I then got invited to her room, which took a fair bit of persuading, but eventually took me out of the block for a few steps. Thereafter, she kept finding excuses for little trips; for milk, returning it; post...keeping me moving about - and I just remember having my attack alarm wrapped with tentative tautness around my fingers. But she was so very, very reassuring.. and it made the biggest difference. I felt safe back in my room.. but firstly, the room felt safe and welcoming, whereas it didn't when I had first woke up; and it also felt like a huge step - I'd been out the room and block already! I could do it! ~ albeit a little bit.. I'd faced a few of the public at around about the time when the original hurt took place, and here, nothing had happened. E-mailed English to mention absences, but got no reply, unlike the nice replies I got from both my Latin tutor and the departmental secretary about the two classes I had in there. Regardless, had a few people drop in during the day to see me, which was fab. ~ worked out well, not too much at once. Most of the time was quiet, meaning I could venture out more comfortably to kitchen or bathroom. I was twitchy around the guys, with Toby, Sam, Simon and Ed visiting at points during the day, but obviously as time passed, grew a little bit more comfortable. I expected to be nervous to the point of rudeness to the guys, or even shut myself from them completely, so this was doing really well, and everybody helped so much - the support I received was truly unbelievable. Even remember that Sam came and knocked on me late afternoon, with this fabulous looking chocolate bun: "Well, I'm always thinking of my stomach.. and I was thinking of you earlier, so thought of your stomach - but don't worry about it being so selfless.. I got myself one as well." Went to watch Neighbours in block next door. Ages since I'd watched it, but was building me up to leave the block again; even though the pitch black was unnerving. Simon's evil jokes lifted the tension from me to start with. I couldn't make it to the dinner hall; wasn't ready. Still, wasn't to be a problem. In fact, later on, I got a bit of a shock when Carrie and Toby came to visit, to ask if they might sign me up for the formal on Fridat. I hadn't for a second comtemplated going, and to be thought of for it and invited was very special. I had to apologize for my still evident edginess. Simon and Ed visited later on, and, as they are accustomed to doing, made sure my mood was somewhat freshened. And yet, the poignant thought hits that I know there is some more to come, and that I knew the triumph was just in some improvement. Gawd, everyone was so special today, but will still keep a special mention for Lucy, who started my fight for me: can't put into words how special it all is.

Later in the week to follow: including,
Wednesday: Atlantis (shipwreck and then calm)
Thursday: Phoenix (resurrecting)
Friday: Apollo (rising and recovering)

There are so many temptations, in this crazy world today,
There are so many people, trying to lead you astray.
Whenever you're confused, about all the things you see,
And can't tell a friend from the enemy...

Listen to your heart..
It knows right from wrong, let it guide you!
Listen to your heart..
It'll make you strong; look inside of yourself
And listen, listen to your heart.
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    Little River Band: Listen to Your Heart
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