KaM (bristolian_kam) wrote,
KaM
bristolian_kam

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Unstable Dream


Sonnet ~ XXVII

Unstable Dream, according to the place,
By steadfast once or else at least be true.
By tasted sweetness make me not to rue
The sudden loss of thy false feignéd grace.
By good respect in such a dangerous case
Thou brought'st not her into this tossing mew
But madest my sprite live my care to renew,
My body in tempest her succour to embrace.
The body dead, the sprite had his desire;
Painless was th'one, th'other in delight.
Why then, alas, did it not keep it right,
Returning to leap in to the fire,
And where it was at wish it could not remain?
Such mocks of dreams they turn to deadly pain.


Sir Thomas Wyatt



It's felt like a really heavy week. Achieved a reasonable amount academically, but it's tough after such a great, relaxing Easter break to drop back into the routine ~ been lucky that way. Also went and dropped myself into an emotional pit somewhere along the line; but thankfully there's an exit or helping hand, and I'm climbing back out. I think 'unstable dream' is so apt at times, because when something is bursting so full of energy or vibrance, it's always sadly going to be unsustainable, and something might happen to just mollify everything. Never any regrets though; there's a positive or something constructive to be taken out of almost everything, and I found all the consolation I might have needed. In some senses, I look forward to trying to force a new euphoric instability.

There's a few moments that have just held tight in the mind. Travelling back to Bristol last Thursday, there was a weather front that closed in on Newcastle: rain and heavy winds. The planes were taking off and landing into the wind, which I thought was a bit strange. I'm not altogether a nervous flyer: I do it often enough. However, one large inbound plane, due to (I'm guessing) a combination of bad weather and terrible piloting, made a horrid misjudgement on his way in, approaching too low and too early, had to climb to reach the runway, and then couldn't adjust in time to land comfortably, so from about 100-150 feet had to take a missed approach and arced back up. I was a little worried then; but I'd needn't have been. The weather in Bristol was gorgeous, and on the way back to the city, there was a supreme moment. I was listening to Aled's Pie Jesu', and we were passing from the higher ground down through towards Ashton, and as the song ended with a serene and beautiful sempiternam requiem, one of my favourite sentiments, on the final note the clouds broke, and the sun spread and lit up the Suspension Bridge in sight, far off in the distance. She's divinity.

There's been some decent accomplishment this week, and I can't work out how, really. It's all come since Wednesday ~ although I felt... somewhat slightly more in control on Tuesday's mass catharsis, perhaps something was giving away my state of mind. I tied up the second summer residential mentor job here in July, which I wanted to do, but it was lingering through postal problems. I got invited as one of five students to represent the English Department for the F.Q.A.T (Faculty Quality Assessment Team) by the Head of Department, presumably because I had issues with the exam marks and lack of information other than how crap I did. Had an essay returned for Literature 2 [written on Shakespeare's Venus & Adonis] and left punching the air. The state of degree has been such a miserable issue this year, and it's been quite something to note that, for exactly the same time of year, an essay mark received back last year got the same as this one just returned; and I was averagely disappointed then, and delighted now. Whole new world of expectation and performance in second year. Finally, I've somehow got into Bristol University's 2006 Prospectus on the English section. They spelt my name wrong, got my year wrong and my degree course wrong. :)

Well, it approaches two years ago to the day when I first split from my new family; with a really heavy heart, and living on a prayer that I might see some of them ever again. How expectations, hope and reality can leap and swing in short spaces of time. These last 10 days have held similarities with an R.P.G. session: the all-nighters, the crisis, battling through, the resolution, and hoping to feel stronger at the other end. I can't quite imagine August just yet; mind is largely stuck in the present, and often gazing blindly. Today, I returned to the Children's Hospital for the first time in a while. I prepared a lesson plan for the first ever time, and went to tend to a lovely young lad recently off a stomach operation. It's the first time I'd been up into the surgical level wards, and was warned about the machinery everyone was hooked onto. I couldn't have cared - what a lovely kid. It never fails to affect how it's some of the nicest young ones who have illnesses and problems, and how wonderful and positive most of them are in facing it. Through the comprehension, we started talking about rollercoasters, which was great fun. Heard all about a winter holiday in EuroDisney. :) After that, went to help out with the Adolescent Ward Collective Art Project - a three-legged princess. It sounds obscure, but everyone was cheerful and enthusiastic, and it ended up looking pretty decent. I joked that it would inspire me to ekphrasis ~ and then realised this afternoon that it would be fitting to spill some feeling by writing about this week, (or a dream, as the inspiration found) as a kind of art. Have been inspired by some of Thomas Wyatt's work, so tried my own response. Love, Peace & Harmony



Unstable Dream

Unstable Dream, you're keeping me awake
In the duration of an endless night.
Of wistful static flame, how do you break
A charged electric pulse to spark alight?
I struggle to contain you, which my fear,
Full hopes and love you combine and control;
So petrified to see as night grows near
Yet can't but wish to see that grail in whole.
Can only receive you Unstable Dream:
At risk of deepest pain, the threat of one
Called Love finds me at one and of a team.
The two in one for bliss alone has gone.
While my hedonic whole is at your call
Sweet Dream, both win - might never have known at all.


x~KaM~x
Tags: creative writing
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