May 12th, 2004




It's Wednesday. I guess that means my exile may end. I don't quite know what to say ~ apologies that I'm back; that I love you all and miss you guys. Great deal has happened; some of which I'm quite proud of, most of which I'm not proud of at all. I'm just scared writing this now.

Scared: should I be? I'm worried that the most amazing group of friends would not welcome me back after I go missing without trace for a while, for reasons I don't really want to go into further than to say I felt forced to keep distant, and made it a self-punishment to do so.

Innumerable thoughts wash over me ~ that I feel v. guilty for 'punishing' others alongside myself; but that's also painful to do because it's so damned egotistical: the day I think I'll be missed is that when I'm too arrogant to claim to have such incredible friends, where shortcomings like this are just not there.

The trap springs where you try and think sensitively, and you realise the poignantly flawed truth behind doing so. I made up for my offences at the weekend, and felt very much better for that, but felt right in honouring what I'd agreed to do previously. I'm touched by the support I've had, given the stress I might / must have put folk under, and any silent thoughts I sometimes dream exist.

I sound wooden ~ apparently I am wooden. I guess the reason for that, dare I say it? - I'm out of practice. I see how blank my journal is of late - I've lost a mass recording of time, and as normal with the journal, this is a proportional representation of life ~ lost and dissipated - almost. I am glad for my diary this week; and have learnt to use that again.

I sense I'm holding so much back, and I'll have a deluge flood over me at some stage. It's what comes perhaps with getting into such troublesome states of mind: where you believe that every breath you take alive is an insult to your nearest and dearest; every word you utter violates their loving and reputable ambience; your very presence pollutes a field of vision ~ rise from the bottom, I'm hoping.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't shed a tear over recent days, I always have felt the enormity of my own feelings; and creating enormities when they don't already exist ~ but have just been struck numb a lot of the time. Had a lot to occupy me: academic work, bar work et al; and pressure still well on, which will lay me low until at least the weekend. My silence will turn from volantary to involuntary. When I need ppl more than ever, I have to wait.

Profusely sorry; to everyone. I... I just have this vision, this dream - fantasy - of a gentle group-hug, ~ I don't only refer to the RPG group; all friends are wonderful, welcome, involved and visible ~ and I'm sheltered; love and be loved, and I've no need to fear any more, for all my insanities are melting away : this, and I never want it to end...

...sempiternam requiem

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