KaM (bristolian_kam) wrote,
KaM
bristolian_kam

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Lynx (2)

Wednesday:
Atlantis (- Shipwreck before the calm) Wednesday was always going to be a strange day; with - what one might call the 'after-effects'. It wasn't too comfortable a day. Felt quite at ease on Tuesday night at least, but awake for too long, running on some evil hormone or something that decided to run out at some hour in the morning. Slumped to my bed, had little sleep, then woke up not wholly dissimilar to yesterday. Knew just from thinking about going to either the dining hall for breakfast, or even worse, that lecture theatre that put the fear of my life into me on Monday - I wouldn't be going too far. Again, tried to settle down to a little work, but found the best I could do was listen to music quite loudly to block everything else out, watch some Knightmare (which is a remedy) and keep warm. Once more, let the English department know I wouldn't be in, and got no word back, which was a bit disconcerting. Toby came in at lunchtime, which was really great of him, and he was watching along a bit of KM. I can't help feeling I bore the hell out of people generally, but was concentrating on not freaking out, and KM helps me not to. I realise that's a bit of a paradox, the programme out to frighten, and serving to soothe; but I put my faith in Toby a little bit later on. And so, a little later, Simon pops in - it turns out similar to yesterday in how the structure went. I missed the football, and Simon had gone along to play, which was great! The best part was, that from a 1-10 defeat last week, we had beaten a better team this; 4-3! Wow. All Simon's doing, I swear; although when he was standing there, I couldn't help but think back to the second weekend, when we were playing on the orchard, and I, attempting a crossfield pass, nearly took his face off; that was dispicable of me. Knew I had to really go for it tonight, and went to the dining hall for supper; let Toby be the first man to stand behind me, and, being the terrifically lovable chap he is, said he was honoured by the trust. Food fights and all (sighs @ Simon; [all for the assonance; thought it was funny, bud!]). Ed popped by late on to write a letter for the Zoo, and just have a chat about general things. Ed always has a running concern about me, which is smashing; and just has a practical way of looking about things, which is so needed sometimes! I picked up my second piece of verse by one special author. One thought one should seclude oneself forever to keep this terribly special dedication going. I knew Thursday had to be as normal as I could make it - but still found sleeping hard. I was wandering about late on, and Simon was also; and joined Emily in invitation for cuppa and added some choc. digestives. :) I knew it was cleaning day tomorrow, and made sure the room was spotless, as I like to on these occasions, but maybe I just needed to break out of this place to feel back together again.

Thursday:
Phoenix ( -Resurrection) The balance was sweet today; single lecture latish in the afternoon. Was re-awoken by the cleaner this morning. I had been up and dressed, but dozed off again, which I possibly needed. Was still only 10:00 though, so popped up for a shower. The showers had caused a lot of shivering in thoughts - me for some reason seeing it as the perfect place for anything bad to happen, and so was sort of relieved to be feeling up to have a good drench. Soft singing helps to dispel, even sort of melt, any little concerns away. And, as everyone knows, nothing happened - it was all very safe. Still struggling to work, as I found by trying to learn some Latin grammar. Programming into the head is possible, i.e. learning words going down a list; but picking them at random or anything out of the sequence was just impossible, and it is frustrating. The weather was gloomy today, which is a shame - it has been truly beautiful for weeks; and it's been all the more saddening in a way that this gorgeous weather has made this place a paradise in the background, but, as the sonnet perhaps sums up, I haven't appreciated the beauty for all the right reasons. Anyhow, got down to the lecture theatre for the grammar class - the last Thursday one too! However, things started to slide downhill; for firstly I found a note in the classics pigeonhole for me, which was a pronouns sheet, half of which was to be learnt for today's lecture ~ that gave me 10mins, and more panics since I was still poor on the original material. Missing one test already on the Tuesday, I returned to a bigger one. To start the lecture, a few of us had some reprimanding, including myself, which just filled me with sheer dread. I got a little bit angry about it afterwards, but at least Dandi retracted his words. Firstly, 4 people had been absent on Tuesday, and only *one* had let the office know. I agreed with what he said; that it was compulsory, and only good manners, to inform staff of your absence - but I did that; and was upset that despite the guy knew that a KaM (i.e. virum) had contacted, and of the four absentees he was ticking off, I was the only guy, he should have known that the exception to his rant was me. He then, at the end of that, called my name and asked if I was here ~ and then realised. He just doesn't know who I am, although asked me to stay behind at the end, so the note he was left about me for Tuesday might have caused some concerns. Yet, before that, he started on something else. He wanted to know if we'd done the work he left for us. Now, one girl had apparently, and said she'd left it behind - which might have been slap down lies, because we discovered something a minute later. We'd all got the pronoun sheets, but he was adamant that we should get down to Woodland Road 'as soon as you are back circulating again'. I was trying to slip in somewhere that this lecture was my first back 'in circulation', but it was pointless. Then, he was humbled by his own let-down. He was supposed to have left Tuesday's test in the holes for us for us to do, but then thought back, and just clicked as to why he didn't - he couldn't be arsed to copy it down from the blackboard. I don't mind - just don't scare me with reprimands before thinking about them! The test he gave us today daunted me; all since the nouns have, because I've known I would struggle, but did my bad trick of flicking for ones that I know, and familiarising myself with the patterns in my head. Half-marks, it's looking like. I spoke to him in the end, and cleared the matters up. He means well - and just mentionned that learning had been tough ~ hoping it would serve as an apology for crap performance. Got a shock at the end; 17:00 - and pitch black! Scuttling back nervously, and through some fate, bumped into Simon, and then later into Sam and Toby, wow! The nerves settled down again. Grease rehearsal again tonight; which was with varying success. Need to get back into musical mind; seem to have forgotten all theory which could be of any use. I then also realised that I had some duets! I'd looked for 'Putzie' on the name sheets - and it wasn't there - but that's because on this script we have, he's called Roger, which gives me two! One with Jan (real identity I don't know), called 'Mooning', which is a oxymoronic concept; a soft ballad about the crudity that is flashing one's rear end; and one with my good buddy Simon, 'Rock & Roll Party Queen' which is cracking, and addictive. Still, got me in a better mood, and had to tick along with lots of Latin tonight to keep up. Still, Simon has invited me up to watch a film, Taxi-Driver, which they were supposed to watch on the Sat. night while Dave was here, but didn't; and didn't again. They were on the PSX2, playing Fifa, with the guy that got me freaked a few weeks ago by insisting we walked over the downs in the pitch black, even though he confessed himself that he was scared. Anyhow, got my revenge by playing him and whipping him 7-2. Tried to get Dumb&Dumber to operate on Simon's comp; and although the codec was working, the film still wasn't playing. Don't think the specs are up to it, unfortunately. Back down, to Latin, and thinking over a very lifting chat I'd had with Forester. I know he must have had such a hard time wondering about me within my silences; and am mightily grateful for the space I was given. Performed a great, great favour by getting some songs for me ~ am so grateful!! He also sent me a very touching text message, which left me flattered, complimented, enriched. Power of expression was coming back gradually, or was trying my best anyhow. It got me 5 hours of sleep, albeit with the new found help of Valerium tablets, which I'd been recommended by a very kind soul on the Knightmare Forum. Ok, it wasn't necessarily long, but it was a refreshing sleep, and felt much, much better for it! Thursday saw it's cremations, but plenty of resurrections.

Friday:
Apollo ( -Risen) Felt so much better for the sleep, and went to the dining hall for an early bite today, for what feels the first time in an age; since Monday. Had prepared the Latin for the lecture, and Dr Broadhead was very kind, asking how I was getting along. However, learnt the scope of Tuesday's assessment, looking at the test they'd been given on Tuesday, and realising that was the easy half. I'm going to need a miracle. Still: got through it, and then decided to get some stuff done. So: into Waterstones to enquire - still no vocab books; into the library to drop books off; off down into Broadmead and The Galleries to look at the formalwear (must return with sizes and colours needed); nipped into Nationwide to sort out a query that I knew they wouldn't take over telephone; and then to NatWest to open my student account (bonuses!!). There was a shock when I came back: our group block tutor, Davey, was looking for me. The warden of the halls here had been contacted about my absences from lectures, and he, in turn, not knowing who I am, must have seen my room number, and asked Davey to find out what was up. I was really panicky about this at first: thinking that for all that I was pretty unique in never having any disciplinary problems at all, to fall into them here for attendances within the first month, was unthinkable. I couldn't understand it - but went up to the guy's room for a drink and talk about stuff. I mentionned that I'd kept getting in touch, and that the Latin side knew at least that I would find this week awkward, but English was relying on the e-mails, which had been acknowleged; and was relieving myself of nerves a little by explaining that I'd kept copies of the e-mails should any disciplinary cases come to that. Davey helped though, he assuring that it wouldn't be about that at all, just making sure, for instance, that I was happy with the course, and not avoiding because I couldn't cope with the work or anything other than. I had to explain back that I still see the majority of instances like secondary school: everyone is out to lie, cheat and swindle their way around everything; and therefore staff will assume everyone to lie, cheat and swindle, and that's why I didn't actually ring the English office to ensure my absences were covered - I didn't want to be interrogated about what was wrong and how I was handling it; I wanted to be in control of how much information I gave and what I said. Just reassured to myself that I was happy here, and indeed, very lucky to be here, and could cope with the work while working at my optimum. At the same time, {C.F. Beginning Lynx 1} - realised I had a problem which needed combatting, and realised the significance to me of giving up the diary writing for a while - that I do tend to seek the route of problems; to ask myself the clinical questions; and then know what's best to solve. Here, I couldn't do that - I'm afraid that this is something too big for me to handle on my own. Anyway, leaving that by for the moment - because there's a happier night ahead: was really looking forward to the formal tonight; given that I've only been to one since arriving. Owed it to Toby, for having been signed up by him, and borrowing a jacket from him, I was actually able to go! With my navy shirt, cuff-links, grey suit and gown, I can't remember that I'd ever looked so smart. Well, it was very entertaining: for Ed and Simon had been working on their - costume - for Halloween, and even come down for a digital photo of it; Ed's twig-and-leaf-spooked sunglasses; and Simon's 'Monkey-Island-I-Cannibal-Reminiscent' pumpkin head! The moment was perfect, as Tarkers stood up to give a speech at how we weren't respecting the formal properly, and they both arrived in wearing, and rendered him speechless - and had to, for everyone's attention was drawn from , and I doubt he's used to that. The situation was then intensified as they both donned their pieces for the warden and guests entering and for grace. Half couldn't keep their faces straight, including Donald himself, walking right past us, and none of us could either.. although rather unkindly in cripples that one of the Senior staff demanded to see Simon afterwards. The prayer was full of coughs and sniggers, and it was hard at the end of the table and under pressure not to be seen smiling. Still, was great fun, with photgraphs and all. There was little throwing of food, but still millions of invented banning offences; none less so than the 'Pudding Master' competition; Simon and Doug in a race, scoffing down their cheesecake desert without using hands or cutlery. Dear me! Take your feet out of the trough! (Grinz: Sorry, it's what my grandfather will say about my attrotious burping habit - but I find it funny). Everybody headed out afterwards, and was a little sad that I didn't end up joining. I promised I'd be doing work, but was as concerned with getting these posts up, and talking with Forester, which always makes up for it. And I was reassured later on, because I'd received an e-mail from the English Department, explaining that the secretary I'd been e-mailing hadn't been in since Monday, and so the messages had not been received. It was probably their reaction to e-mail the halls and made sure all was well because it had been a few days since my initial apologies. They did tell me not to worry though, and that apologies were accepted. Feel alive and awake today; and definitely nervous about work to catch up and tests ahead, but stronger now; and much happier for this episode being over.

But I shall rise from the ashes,
Grow like a rose ~ From the ruins.
There must be light in the darkness,
Hope at the end of the night.
Now I've been trying all my life, to get to heaven,
But I woke in the eye of the storm;
And I shall rise from the ashes,
Grow from the ruins
And return ~ back ~ home.
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