I do think that the lack of writing in my personal diary has been due to a fear of several things. Scared to admit what I'm thinking - scared to admit to having a serious problem? I have tackled many confusings in this way this year, and found it very rewarding, but just could not here. I honestly think if I'd tried to lay out my mind's content on paper, it possibly might have helped, but at the same time, stated more clearly to me that things were terrible. I was trying ardently, much of the time failing, but nevertheless trying to evade that, and pretend everything was normal. I know that's not clever, but when something happens 4 years ago, it starts to become a serious embarrassment that it still - not just afflicts, but harder this year than before. The sonnet was very different, the majority composed in my head walking from one side of the Clifton Downs to the other amidst the setting Sun, and was just a very sombre release. Still, I will try and bare as much as I dare publically, and just cover the ground so anyone who knows what was going on is filled in a little, and those that don't just get some of the cryptics out of the way. I will start from this weekend (hopefully) back to the old system and get back into a more regular update - for my own sake.
The title refers to the particular can of Lynx which is first in the line on my shelf here. The relevance: it was looking at these, and just thinking of the fragnance names which gave me thoughts on how I could title each day of these week, and that little bit of creativity, along with the great, colourful signs of 'Crea8tive Bristol' all over the centre, inspired me to start this post.
Africa (- distant) The weekend with Dave was great, and very much needed. Lot hurting there for the both of us. We're also both as Knightmare mad as each other, which helps a little bit. Friday, we just scraped back for dinner, although it was a little hectic, and then Dave unfortunately had to prop up the bar while I served behind it, messing most things up as usual, and all the guys at the formal. Eventually he nipped back to my room, and managed to get KM up without a problem, which was very good, must say. Watched plenty, had a bit of a talk: both holding back a fair bit, but I think it was expected to be that way. Saturday is a good day at Wills'; very relaxed and the opportunity for a good lie in because feeding time ends. We headed into town and did some shopping, which was great therapy actually. Got two new shirts, and we tried to plan 'New Dave' out together, resulting in a rather cracking fire-colours shirt for him. We had been invited to join in with a group heading out for eats later in the evening, which was grand. Slight problem was the rather loud and brash Mexican restaurant. Food was quite good; service was poor, and it was an expensive, fixed menu. Still, tis rare this comes about. Back late, and we ended up declining the offer to watch a film or chat or whatever in Simon's room later on - but watched some more of KM; shattered, the two of us. At least I got some sleep with Dave around, which was well needed. Sunday was quite sombre; Dave realising his time back here was drawing to a close, although his mind was occupied trying to drum up ways for me to contact him in Germany this week, should I need to. Selfish way of looking at it; but while thinking about me took his mind off other problems of his, was happy enough for him to do so. Sunday lunch was ok, and then it wasn't long before we were off, heading for the coach station. We got there early, and there was some kind of issue with the coaches; one going direct and one stopping all the way. The direct one had to be processed and away first to Nottingham, I think - and so we were hanging on a little bit ~ wasn't leaving though - not until that coach was out of sight. God, felt very alone then; very distant - like I was all on my own in a field of strangers. I just think that with the only single room in the block, sometimes it feels like a signal of some sort, that you aren't close enough friends with anyone to earn sharing. I should dispute that, in that in the room next to me, the two guys didn't know each other, see little of each other, and doubt they get along either. Dave seemed to get along with the guys well, which is always a good reflection on yourself, so was really chuffed in a sense. Walked back quite slowly; sad. Weather was typically beautiful - and noted the gorgeous red sun, so much so that I composed the sonnet in my head across the downs. Grease rehearsal on Sunday night; was quick and easy enough. Happy to get the chance to work, and couldn't. Knew it was starting, and knew that for all the great weekend, the following low I'd expected was hitting. Prayed for sleep, and took a while to take me.
Pulse (- the clock) Felt it ticking..ticking..ticking. Slumped to English, feeling rather guilty and terrible. As many times as I'd tried, reading was just impossible, and so my preparations for the day were lacking. Was just sitting there in the lecture.. and kept glancing behind me; and even though they were girls, still got over-edgy. And, all about the sonnet too, just kept daydreaming...and daydreaming...and ~~ flash! Just like horror films - short, sharp, shocking sequences hitting me like a wave. Shuddered being surrounded as I left the lecture theatre, and knew I just had to get back, and wouldn't make the tutorial. Left a message of apology with another seminar member and just got the hell back here. I did mean to get in touch with the office to inform; but had locked my flipping self out, hadn't I!? Seminar had started by the time I got into my room. Tried to settle and be calm; did some copying up, fretting at the thought of my poetry tutor wanting to hang me from his door coat hook for absence. Went to dinner later on and apparently kept making scary remarks. Was sitting with folk I didn't know too well - they were saying something about if randomness was symptom of meningitis then I had it for sure ~ I don't know! Eventually Simon comes and rescues me, and invites me to their table, which part of me wanted to avoid, for fear of everyone seeing the pitiful state beginning. Eventually couldn't take the atmosphere anymore and legged it away to hide. We had to go and take meningitis pills, with a couple of people in the Uni contracting it, and thankfully I managed to hold it together for that at least. Toby came in later, and pleased for the company - and then Ed came in as well, and just takes a bit of tension away... and I put up my sonnet just after midnight.
Gravity (- Gravis) I can't understand why this is a day which has a significance of and a build up more noticeable than Christmas or my birthday for me; it sickens to the core. Well, the early hours of the morning were trying to trance myself into this mode that all could be ok, and that I didn't have to leave the room; I could be self sufficient if I wanted. I e-mailed my Latin teacher at 5am, to explain that I knew I was going to be absent. Then I made the mistake of sleeping. All of two hours, and it was enough to have me wake up and notice that today was the day, and that I had to subconsciously slip into the totally freaked out state of mind. God, that I did. Did have a big surprise on my hands though, for there was a knock on the door; and I wasn't going to answer - I had locked it.. I normally leave my door open all the time I'm in here. Yet, I found out that it was Lucy, and that changed things a little bit. I don't have quite the fear of girls as I do of men at this time of year. It brought my mind back quickly to last week when we had had a natter, and some of this mess must have came out, and it wasn't lost. Lucy was the world's biggest star this morning. I remember just standing at my door a total wreck, and quivering at the thought of anyone else coming close. Well, she firstly seemed to make sure the coast was clear for me to go to the bathroom - and it's awful just lurching for a target - like that's the hovel for safety. I then got invited to her room, which took a fair bit of persuading, but eventually took me out of the block for a few steps. Thereafter, she kept finding excuses for little trips; for milk, returning it; post...keeping me moving about - and I just remember having my attack alarm wrapped with tentative tautness around my fingers. But she was so very, very reassuring.. and it made the biggest difference. I felt safe back in my room.. but firstly, the room felt safe and welcoming, whereas it didn't when I had first woke up; and it also felt like a huge step - I'd been out the room and block already! I could do it! ~ albeit a little bit.. I'd faced a few of the public at around about the time when the original hurt took place, and here, nothing had happened. E-mailed English to mention absences, but got no reply, unlike the nice replies I got from both my Latin tutor and the departmental secretary about the two classes I had in there. Regardless, had a few people drop in during the day to see me, which was fab. ~ worked out well, not too much at once. Most of the time was quiet, meaning I could venture out more comfortably to kitchen or bathroom. I was twitchy around the guys, with Toby, Sam, Simon and Ed visiting at points during the day, but obviously as time passed, grew a little bit more comfortable. I expected to be nervous to the point of rudeness to the guys, or even shut myself from them completely, so this was doing really well, and everybody helped so much - the support I received was truly unbelievable. Even remember that Sam came and knocked on me late afternoon, with this fabulous looking chocolate bun: "Well, I'm always thinking of my stomach.. and I was thinking of you earlier, so thought of your stomach - but don't worry about it being so selfless.. I got myself one as well." Went to watch Neighbours in block next door. Ages since I'd watched it, but was building me up to leave the block again; even though the pitch black was unnerving. Simon's evil jokes lifted the tension from me to start with. I couldn't make it to the dinner hall; wasn't ready. Still, wasn't to be a problem. In fact, later on, I got a bit of a shock when Carrie and Toby came to visit, to ask if they might sign me up for the formal on Fridat. I hadn't for a second comtemplated going, and to be thought of for it and invited was very special. I had to apologize for my still evident edginess. Simon and Ed visited later on, and, as they are accustomed to doing, made sure my mood was somewhat freshened. And yet, the poignant thought hits that I know there is some more to come, and that I knew the triumph was just in some improvement. Gawd, everyone was so special today, but will still keep a special mention for Lucy, who started my fight for me: can't put into words how special it all is.
Later in the week to follow: including,
Wednesday: Atlantis (shipwreck and then calm)
Thursday: Phoenix (resurrecting)
Friday: Apollo (rising and recovering)
There are so many temptations, in this crazy world today,
There are so many people, trying to lead you astray.
Whenever you're confused, about all the things you see,
And can't tell a friend from the enemy...
Listen to your heart..
It knows right from wrong, let it guide you!
Listen to your heart..
It'll make you strong; look inside of yourself
And listen, listen to your heart.